I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
