Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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