update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I want a musical about memes.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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