You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
