You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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