Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He did a backflip because drugs
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
