So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
