I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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