Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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