Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
