Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
