hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
