I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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