dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
