i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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