im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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