The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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