dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
