i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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