his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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