On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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