god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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