Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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