is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
