I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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