I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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