I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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