i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
