Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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