Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Acid is not a monday night drug
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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