I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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