My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
