If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
