Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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