either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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