There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
whose parrot is this?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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