I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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