Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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