My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize