mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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