I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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