Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
