4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
