i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is it penis luge time yet?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
