you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
