If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
