After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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