oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
