you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
