i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
