I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
