I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
