community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
