I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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