At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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