I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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