did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
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It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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