just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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