Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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