i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
