ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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