I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
