I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
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Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
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I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have aggressive nipples.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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