mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
