She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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